My Russian Probe

I know, it’s three posts in one week. Hopefully, you’re inbox isn’t too overwhelmed. This one’s timely because 1) Russia; 2) my exam was Tuesday; and 3) I’ll get the results next week. Plus, how better to prepare for ‘Murica love than a little exploration of our mortal international enemy?

After three uterine fibroid surgeries (see this article for the epic saga), I must get regular ultrasounds to stay on top of fibroid maintenance. An abdominal ultrasound is done with a paddle that’s rubbed across the stomach. A transvaginal ultrasound is when a probe shaped like a penis is shoved into the vagina and pushed around to get images of the uterus from various different angles.

I basically barrage my prober with questions about what they see. I’m supposed to wait for my doctor’s report, but I never wait. I’m relentless enough that the technician gives way or at the very least nods their head or gives me some kind of gesture if I’m right. I know I should respect boundaries, but it is my body and they’re probing my vagina (ultimate boundary breaking). I think I get some leeway.

On June 27, 2017, I met my match. My Russian female technician wouldn’t tell me anything. She told me she couldn’t or she’d get in trouble. Nevertheless, I persisted. I got nowhere.

But if she was going to probe me, I was going to return the favor. I decided to do some cub reporting, Putin edition.

Me: What do people in Russia think of Putin?

Czarina: I left 10 years ago so I don’t know about now. But he was liked. The economy was better, life was better. Now, I’m not so sure.

Me: Do you think he hacked our election?

Czarina: I don’t know. Ours, yes. U.S., I don’t know. Why? So he has a friend?

Me: Well, if he has someone in his pocket who pulls us out of NATO as Trump has promised, it would make it easier to annex Lithuania and other former Soviet territories. Without the U.S. military, NATO isn’t much of a threat.

[Seriously, watch this Vice on HBO episode about Russia (Season 3, Episode 14 called Cold War 2.0 ). Lithuania basically said they’ll annihilate themselves before falling under Russian rule again, we have 30,000 troops in the Balkans as of filming and the Norwegians are watching the Russians like hawks in the Arctic Circle. The soldier says that a Russian breach will trigger NATO Article V and they will call upon their allies to retaliate. RUH-ROH.]

Czarina: Hmm. There is corruption. All governments have corruption.

Me: Did you see Rocky 4?

Czarina: I didn’t see any of the Rocky movies.

Me: Did you see the shirtless picture of Putin on the horse?

Czarina: Yes, it’s awful. He’s trying to appear youthful so he keeps his power. It’s…not good.

Me: Ok, ladies everywhere are the same page. He’s definitely had fillers, maybe a face lift. The work’s not good…

Czarina: He’s trying to stay in power forever. He’s not going anywhere. He’ll be in power for a long time….Like Castro.

Me: Do you eat Borscht?

Czarina: Yes. It’s good.

Me: Have you been to Siberia?

Czarina: No.

Me: The Black Sea? The Caspian Sea?

Czarina: No.

Me: Do you remember Chernobyl?

[I saw a special on the effects of nuclear radiation on animal life near Chernobyl. They have super catfish in the pools next to the reactor. The fish mutated and are thriving. It’s like a super hero factory over there.]

Czarina: I wasn’t born yet.

Me: Ugh. I’m an Old.┬áDo you see anything in my uterus?

Czarina: I see things. And that’s all I can say.

Me: Dammit! Things means plural. There should only be one thing (the remnants of the fibroid that was injected with a radioactive solution to murder it.) Ok. Thanks.

Czarina: You are the most curious patient I’ve ever had. You try harder than anyone to get me to tell you things. Most just leave me alone.

Me: Thank you and sorry.

Czarina: No, it’s fine. It was kind of fun.

Me: That’s me!

#Relentless. #Curious. #FibroidProducer

Afterward, I went to Shake Shack and got a double Shack burger plus a chocolate milkshake. I’ve tried every eating habit and weird remedy under the sun to keep the fibroids at bay. If I wasn’t successful this time, then I might as well live it up, American style.

It was my first chocolate milkshake in like seven years. It was damn good.

I told the lady behind the counter about how I lined up at the original in Madison Square Park when I lived in NYC, sometimes waiting for an hour. They all got so excited and high-fived me. That’s one way to reward poor time management.

Fibroid Maintenance Report will be in next week. Pray for no radioactive, superhero fibroids.

Other than the one that was nuked in 2015 by a solution injected by a radiologist to cut its blood supply. Oh god, do I have a Chernobyl uterus?

[Fists to sky.]